damik's Diaryland Diary

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The road to hell

I think the problem is we both struggle seperatly, and not together. I had been feeling depressed lately, I pull myself out and start having fun and Trevor gets depressed. And it's not like we tell eachother about how we are feeling. We lose sight of one another in the haze. Then feel hurt that the other doesn't see how much we are struggling. Its not fair, and its not really being a couple. I don't know, here I am almost phobic about opening up to people I know and telling them how I'm feeling, especially to him. I'm a brick and I'm dragging him down. I'm a stupid child. I need to grow up.
But hell, I drag everybody down. I'm so fucken oblivious.
Danie needs to be more contientious. Stop hurting thoes around me.
I think so little of myself.
I hurt him a lot yesterday. I went out to the club and inadvertently ended up not comming home. Of course he was angry at me, how could he not be. My not responding well to his "You bitch, you slut, you whore" (sorry just had to throw in a line from one of the popular songs from club) I'm sure just perpetuated the fight. If I had been more diplomatic and more sensitive. Or if I had just fuck'n called him.
I knew he would see me as only cruel, though that wasn't my intent. And I sit here now wondering why I didn't go home after I did talk to him, instead of letting my petty hurt feeling make me drag my feet. Yep, I'm the kind of bitch who pours salt on a wound.
I know what kind of person I am, I'm not a good kind of person. Like I've already stated I drag people down. I really should lock myself in my room and avoid all human contact. Save the obligotory family functions. Couldn't hurt them by not spending time with them.
Fuck, right now I'm being so selfish as to welcome new people into my life. Or even just spending more time with simple causal aquaitances. Like this other guy at work, he's always seemed so nice, like a cool person to hang out with and bitch about the whole work thing. Can't get enough of that you know, but I shouldn't introduce him to the psycosis that is Danie. Should go on only talking to him at staff meetings. I bring this one up because we went to Barns and Nobel yesterday and had a great time. Should't. Shouldn't put myself in other's lives like that. It's not fair to them, it's mean.
Then there is the occasion when I find a sholder to cry on. Why am I not stronger then that? Why do I need someone to cry to anyhow. It's like what, I've know you for all of four, five days maybe, and I go around crying and bespewing all my emotional fuck ups like, I can't even think of the words for what I was acting like, but I'll tell you if I did they would be vile. I shudder to think of people's preceptions of me.
I am so screwed up there should be a law banning me from contact with other people.
Like this guy I've been somewhat forming a friendship with, before I screwed it up by being a whiny bitch among other things. If I wasn't such a cinder block, maybe I could allow myself. But I hurt anyone I'm around. I should't be around anybody. Nice as they may be.
I'm not, I'm not nice, I'm not good, God there should be laws, there should be a law.
I've come up with a great one time way to hurt myself in a rather gory mannor. Haven't decided if I want to because it would leave a scar in a place I really don't want one.

6:13 p.m. - 02-20-03
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