damik's Diaryland Diary

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Circular

I came across a qoute in a book I'm rereading, "I don't believe in belief." Seems like a good starting point for me to write something profound. Except I'm sick, and a bit disgruntled, so nothing profound is coming out of me today.
My fuse has been short for the past long while, I've been breaking down and blowing up a lot more lately. And I've been getting hurt to easily.
Will has been stressed out, so consiquently he hasn't been as interested in sex. Its work, he's been doing long hours and deadlines to meet that others he works with don't seem to care about meeting. I understand this, but then he says he's been feeling this way for about six months now.
And I think about it, six months now, thats about when I started causing him such stress. I realize that I could be as much to blame as his work. It is then that my mind starts to tumble into irrational thoughts. Ideas that I should just withdraw, remove myself so that I don't ware him down anymore. Wildly I think that maybe this confirms my belief that I suck the life out of people.
But I'm too sick and wary to indulge such thoughts for long. My body aches and my head hurts. And I'm sick damnit, I shouldn't be too hurt that he isn't turned on by me now.
But my real fear is that he's losing interest in me. He's not sure about us and his attraction is waning. He seems passionate and excited about other things, but doesn't have the energy to feel the same about me. And maybe it is that I'm just projecting my fears onto him. That I'm so afraid of losing him that all I see is him leaving. Then my mind goes down the path, if its all in my mind, I can't talk to him about it because he has enough stress with out having do deal with my unfounded fears. Then if it is the case I can't talk to him about it because he may already be gone.
Can anyone see in this how I manage to ruin relationships? I can be on solid ground in a perfectly healthy relationship and I'll fear my way out of it.
The self-esteem thing maybe? Does the fear stem from the fact that I can't beleive that a man like him could truly remain intrested in me. Is it that I'm afraid that he finally sees what I see in the mirror, a fat mousy girl with no desirable qualities?
I feel bad that my stress could be the cause of his, and once again my mind returns to the idea of withdrawing. Is to tiring to maintain a relationship, with all the second guessing and doubt, I ware myself out. So I come back to the idea that it is me that wears him out.
I could imoblize myself with this kind of thinking, full out pillowcase chomping, rocking back and forth in bed, unable to pull myself out kind of thing.
So instead I end my thoughts now, unworked out, and I go back to bed to feel sick and miserable. Back to reading books with quotes that should make me think. Back to not thinking at all.

11:48 a.m. - 02-11-04
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