damik's Diaryland Diary

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It's the only words I have

What happend to hope? What happend to strength? What is it about today that I can't see my roots in the ground? I feel scooped out. Hollow and empty inside. I would like someone to talk to. I just pulled to pages out of my little book, flipping through you probably wouldn't notice.
My cat scratched me today. I want to pur lemon juice on it just to feel the sting.
The words I was writing just weren't right. I was trying to tell why I needed to say thank you. Shows how fate works, though. I prayed for strength and I got a new kind of weakness, a whole new way to hurt myself. And it bought me time, it brought me to now.
Am I really thinking of death again? How can this be when I'm dancing in the streets, and laughing with abandon? What is this euphoria?
Odd that I can love life, enjoy each moment, revel in each day, and hate myself so much. If I was anybody else in this lifetime.
And it's that loop that never ending tape in my head. It's my voice, but I don't know who's it was origonally. I'm not good enough, it tells me. If I were built differently, if I was skinner, if I was smarter, if I had sparkling blue-green eyes and a dazzling white smile, if my hair bounced, if my lashes curled and my abs were tight enough to wear low rise jeans, if I were flawless, if I were charming, if I were everything I'll never be, maybe I could like myself, maybe I could find some good in me.
Do you think all girls have such tapes in their heads? Am I such a product of the media?
I slid the pages back in, I'll never find the right words.
One day I'll try to say them to him. Tell him what he did. I don't know how I feel about it now, but there was a time I was grateful. I won't tell him today, but maybe tomorrow.
Do you think it's possible to believe in an imperfect God?
Do you think I'll ever be beautiful?

10:30p.m. - 01-18-03
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