damik's Diaryland Diary

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Don't know what to say

I have a few hand written entries to post, but I haven't really mustered up the desire to type them up. I'm struggling with so much right now. I don't have the energy to do anything. I'm supposed to call and set up a med review, I'm supposed to do all this bla, but I haven't. I'm mad at myself for not having a second job lined up yet. I've gone what over a month now. I suck. This basement actully feels heavy. The shadows and light. I look at the old drywall where its stained with mildew. I feel like I'm regressing, and I'll never get out. The cats are doing better. Pretty soon they'll forget that they ever lived anywhere but a dark basenent. They've been talking a lot more, my mother thinks it a sign that somethings wrong, but I know its a sign that they have gotten used to the place and are starting to feel at home.
Will got the frusteration of his car having to re-do emissions and not passing the second time. This state sucks.
I'm starting to scare myself. I'm making plans. Well not making plans really I already have a plan. I'm going to rent a hellium tank big enough to fill up 600 balloons, I'm starting to work out all the kinks in the plan. And I really don't have a set reason why. I don't know why it crept into my head. I know why I'm working out the kinks, because I would do it right. When I was in the ER talking to the sucky evaluation guy after the OD I wanted to explain to him that it wasn't a suicide attempt, because I don't attempt suicide. I would do it right, I've weighed all my options in that area. I've proed and coned and I know which methods aren't going to work. I know the methods that can easily be thwarted. I knew as I took the pills that too many Tyolnel would cause liver failure and a slow death. Its why I didn't take too many. It was why I went to the ER anyhow, to make sure that my liver was up to the challenge after the damage its been through.
But I don't think explaining to him that it wasn't an attempt because I know how to do it right was going to help my case any.
Its why I didn't call anyone. I have promised five people that were I to plan on killing myself I would give them a call first. I didn't call anyone because I knew I wasn't going to die.
I don't have to call anyone right now. Its hard to explain what my fuck up mind is doing to me. I know I have more then enough in my account to rent the tank. Its $52.00 with $100.00 deposit at USA Party Supply. I realized I was thinking too seriously about this when I found myself pondering the mask problem. For one I wouldn't really know where to get one, and two I wouldn't know how to stop oxygen from getting into the holes in the side. It accured to me that I could rig up the masks used for administering CPR, I could buy one for two dollars at the TURN main office, or even steal the one from the program first aid kit. I can easily get the tubing to connect to the mask, but how to connect the tub to the tank and keep the helium flowing is still tripping me up.
There is so much about my mind and thoughts that I hate right now. I hate that I'm calmly thinking throught the problem like I'm trying to figure out how to fix the computer not end my life. I hate that I've fixated on this idea. I know that there are such good things, and such beauty, I know that I have no reason to die, and many reasons to live. I know this. I know it as surely as I know anything. I have good things in my life. I have a man who touches me and loves me so deaply. I am mending realtionships I thought would never be fixed. I've forgiven hurts I thought I would hold onto forever. I strayed off the path a bit and landed myself in my mother's basement. But I know enough not to need to be reminded that its not forever. I'm not to far from being on my feet again.
Yet here I am planning an escape. In one of my handwritten entries I wrote that I would do the OD thing again, I wrote of the reasons why. But I didn't write the big one. I would do it again so I wouldn't do it right. After gathering the supplies and hooking everything together so it works it would take about 10 mins for the gas to kill me. I would OD again to derail the train before it had a chance to become a runaway train.

9:51 a.m. - 09-29-03
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