damik's Diaryland Diary

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Maybe I didn't not win

He smiled at me as we crossed paths in the cross walk. There was something extreamly familuar about him, and his pleased to see me smile said he knew me, too. He watched me as I walked away. He was walking backward as I glanced back to wonder once again where I might know him from. He was too familure to be someone who I was vaguely friendly with on the bus one time. It seemed maybe he was a family friend from the Robby era. (Not using a psydonym here because he's so far in my mother's past he's not even real anymore.)But his startling blue eyes and shaggy indistinctly colored hair seemed more recent then that.
I was less then a block away from my street before I realized who he was. He was part of the crew when I was doing extra work for paradise. He was the man who took the picture of me in my red dress.
The last time I saw him was the day before I had to move out of my cute yellow apartment. He had offered to help me, let me use his truck.
As I walked the last streatch down my street I started to think about where I am and where I've been. I thought about the future I'm planning with Will. The future I can see, and I'm looking forward to. With Trevor I planned to marry him because that was the only thing left in my future. It was all I could see. I had done everything I figured myself capable of. I was stuck.
I know what I want to do now. Plans for school and my life. My future hasn't ended. And its not indistinct.
Did you know hope kind of tingles up your back?
I thought of how it all crumbled, the life I'd tried to build. How two days after the last time I saw the man I'd take to many of my pills. How I'd think I couldn't sink lower only to find out I could.
I thought of this as I walked up the steps to our apartment, knowing it will never be as cute as my little yellow apartment, but maybe liking it more because its ours.

12:18 p.m. - 03-01-04
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