damik's Diaryland Diary

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I don't think I ever could

I've found the date, the exact date it was. 6/21/2001 it was a Thursday. Of course I didn't mention a thing about it in my diary, in fact there is a very conspicous break in entries there. But it's that Thursday that has been weighing on my mind of late.
Wow a year and a half ago today, I wonder how that one worked out.
I was going to kill myself that day. I had taken fifteen tylonel pm's and was waiting for the sleepiness to kick in before I took enough to do me in. My phone rang, it was a friend calling telling me to come over and spend some time. I told my friend that I had just taking some sleeping pills and I was waiting for them to kick in before I went to bed. Good byes were said, and I sat there for what seemed like forever, but was actully the longes ninty seconds of my life. With the bottle of pills in one hand and my phone in the other, weighing the choices I had. I called back and said that I was on my way. A gulp of epacac and a quick brush of my teeth and I was gone.
I never told the friend the choice I made that night. And I want to now, I want so badly to sit down together and say thank you. Thank you for calling when you did. You don't know the difference you made.
We don't have the releationship we once had to provide me the oppertunity to say it.
"Despite what came later
Or what may have come before"
Barely a few words are exchanged between the two of us, and mostly they aren't worth the energy expended to express them. I don't know that we could use words with points now. Only something to fill the silence, it's the only thing comfortable.
So I'm torn, between the desire to say thank you or to maintain the status quo. And even if I chose to say thanks I couldn't say the words, I could't say the why. I could only cover it with cheap words and uncomfortable babble.
I may have to be content writing it in another letter I never intend to send.
Tear stained and shakey, hidden in a box forever.

11:50 p.m. - 01-21-03
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