damik's Diaryland Diary

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Glass Mountian

I'm on the road again. Its like trying to climb a mountain of glass, just when you think you've made progress, you slide down to the bottom again. I feel like my world has avalanched on me. I can't handle the pressure it seems like everything is on top of me. Right now it's even hard to breath.

I did a stupid thing today. While I was at work today, the assistant at my program, lets call him Frank, was looking for a razor blade. With out even thinking I said oh I have one and proceeded to pull it out of my day planner. First he made a joke about me being on cocaine, and then later when I retorted that if I was a cokehead, then he was one too, because he had a razor as well. I was trying to down play the situation or something. Then he made a comment about scars on his arms. I thought he was saying that because he had seen mine, I just had to find out, I asked him after I left, I called and asked if he made the comment as a joke, or because of some other reason. I know he suspects. I don't know what to do with that either. I would like to confide in him, talk to him about how I'm feeling. Tell him, ask him to help me.

I was at home today. I can't keep myself in a good place. And I was thinking about the razor. It was calling me. But I don't want to justify my actions. I was thinking that I could probably cut myself in a way that would look like kitten scratches. My inside dialogue was debating each other, weather or not it was possible. I had to find out if it was. I was doing well, but they really don't look like kitten scratches. Though I know if someone asks and I say 'Damn cat.' they will believe me.

And when they ask, and they will ask, I will say "No, I'm not too hot, I'm used to long sleeves in the summer. It grows on you."

11:15 p.m. - 06-13-2001
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