damik's Diaryland Diary

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Yes

Yes, I did call you last night. I lied when I said I didn't, it was never an accident. I deliberately dialed your number. I needed some one to talk to, I had hoped you would understand. I had hoped you would here beyond the lie, the pathetic cover. I thought maybe you would hear the desperation in my voice, I thought maybe you would pursue it more. I didn't want to end up here again, and that' why I called you. You are the only one I wanted to turn to, does that mean anything to you? Out of all the people I know, you are the one I would most like to call a friend, you are the one I would most like to confide in. I know you probably don't care much for me. I know I'm annoying and somewhat clingy. I see in you a loyal and good friend; I need some one like that. So last night, in my desperation and loneliness, I called your number, I didn't know what to say though. These things that I'm feeling, I can't express them with the spoken word. So, I hung up, I knew you would call me back. I waited for that call, but I still didn't know what to say. So I lied. I do that a lot. I get better at it, too. I can almost be convincing when I tell people that I'm O.K., more times then not, when I tell people not to worry about me, they don't. And I know that�s because of the lies.

I know that when I've died, people I know will say, what happened, she said she was O.K.. I've been fighting this for so long, and it's just become so overwhelming for me. Its never been this big, this heavy, this endless before. I know I've hidden it well. I also know that it' not just my hiding, it's other people's unwillingness to see. I just don't want to be alone anymore.

I know this is filled with foreboding, but don't fear, I would never kill myself. I'm too much of a coward. I don't pretend to know what awaits all of us on the other side, I'm just afraid that whatever it is might be worse than what I'm facing now. And if it is, I would be faced with the undeniable truth that it was of my own doing. This here, this now, it isn't my own doing. I have fought, fought every day. Since, what was it, September? To be happy again. I've tried, so I can't believe that this is my fault. I never chose this.

So I called you last night. All this I wanted to say, but, I didn't have the words. So I lied. And I hoped that you would see the truth. I'm not fine, I haven't been fine for a long time.

10:37 p.m. - 06-14-2001
0 comments

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

previous - next