damik's Diaryland Diary

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Peace

See I'm not going to be all clishe and start giving away things. I've actully thought about it. I hate that I've actully thought about it. Not more then I hate that this has become no less of a plan then when I started thinking about it, then when I started talking about it on Sunday. I hate that there is really no reason for me to do it, but I don't see a reason not to. All my dreams an goals seem empty and pointless. I feel like such a child for thinking such things were important.
I think about the man I love. I think about my family. And while I would stay for them, it isn't the way I wanted it to work. The only reason I ever wanted to chose life was for myself. Not to save my family from pain. Not because of a man. Simply for me. If now I can't find a reason, should I hang on to a reason I don't want to use? Should I let them be my crutch?
And then thinking about not going through with it. Thinking about maybe holding on. It fills me with such overwhelming dread. I can be alright for now, because I'm not going to stay. My self-preservationist is losing, actully I'd say its already lost, but we'll see when I go to get the tank.
Ah, it screams now, small voice from the back of my head, "We're not going!" It yells, "We are not renting that tank, I won't let you, I'll stop you."
But she's not strong enough I don't want her to be.
Unanswered questions in my head that should never be asked. Like would he want me to leave a note? Probably not, you leave a note when you have a reason, I don't have a reason. I have nothing. Nothing is no reason to stay.
I fell asleep with the image of me dying. It's such a peaceful thought now.

8:14 a.m. - 10-01-03
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