damik's Diaryland Diary

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Why

Quietly, so not to disturb anyone I sneek into his apartment. I turn on all the lights in the room. He's an incredably sweet man. I told him how I hated how dark it was in the basement and in his room. Imedeatly he jumped up and took the cover off the light in the corner of the room, turned on the other light in the vanity area, and lit some candles. Then when we were out he made a point to buy a floor lamp to brighten his room. Its lost its tomb-like feel.
So where am I today? He called Dr. Tom and an apointment was set for 1:00 yesterday. At the time all I thought was he did what he had to do and I'll do what I have to do. I talked to Dr. Tom and it felt more like an ambush then a session.
Will talks of his fears and feelings, I talk of hopelessness and nothing. I resent it when he tells me that I'm not thinking clearly, not because he's telling the truth, but because I don't think it matters. He emphasises that its my life like that will change something. The room glows almost cheery. I'm still searching for hope. And thats all I can give him.
He talks of it hurting my family, its a strange mix, I guess I haven't completely gotten to the point of not caring, but I don't. I don't know what I do.
So we wonder where I am, its Thursday. I have an apointment at 11:30 I really don't want to go to. I promised Abby that I would go to work for her tommorrow from 3:00 to 6:30. Didn't even think about when I give Will a ride. Then I'll work the weekend, and it will be Monday. I don't know where I will be this Monday. I don't hold out hope, but really thats not saying anything. That part of me still wants to do it now so nothing can stop me- even as I write this my heart leaps at the thought of doing it now. But I told Abby I would go to work for her tomorrow, and I told Will I'd try.
I hold on though too much of me doesn't want to. I hold on though my grip isn't strong. I want oblivion now, but

8:32 a.m. - 10-02-03
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