damik's Diaryland Diary

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There is no time

Yes, I'm disapointed that he wasn't interested in me tonight. I'm disapointed that I couldn't get him interested. I suppose we wasted all our energy Friday.
So the thing is I'm feeling broken down right now. We didn't even tread water this weekend, it was just like anyother weekday where we passed our lives in front of the computer.
Thats not enitarly true, he cleaned and orginized. I tore things apart trying to find my notebooks. We ventured out once? Twice? Whatever.
Once again I realized why I was falling too late. I dug through my books trying to find where I succeeded and where I had failed. I lost two of the books, I felt like I lost a part of me. Like if I couldn't find them the me they contained would be lost forever too. If I can't dig them up and flip through them how will I know what is a memory and what is fanticy. How will I know where I am real and where I am not?
I haven't cut sence January 10. Except for dismayed statements of how I haven't been celebrating it, I haven't taken note. I haven't taken notice.
July 10 will be six months, if I make it, and it won't matter a whit. I probably won't consider the fact untill the 13 and then I'll only be saddened that it passed with out curcomstance.
And I really don't care to make it to July. The thought of wearing a long sleaved shirt to work tomorrow makes me smile. I had to put my SI score as high to day because I wanted to break a finger. I still do. My eye twitches at the thought of finding a hammer or a heavy door to slam it with. I should be pleased with myself that I've gotten past the point where I indulge such impulses.
All this I want to sit and talk to him about, but I can't. He's too sleepy because he got up at 3:30 this morning and he'll think I'm just manipulating him because he wasn't interested in sex.
So I'm not going to say anything and feel lonely some more. I should go to bed and forget to feel for a while.
Maybe tomorrow, right?

10:18 p.m. - 06-20-04
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