damik's Diaryland Diary

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At it Again

I've been jumping down Trevor's throught lately. Not that it was unwarrented, but I may have reacted a bit harshly. One of the things I yelled at him about, I believe in all my heart that I was justified in yelling at him for, yesterday I was sitting on the comp. chair minding my own business when he beems me in the back with a big wad of tape. It caught me off guard and actully stung a little. So I yelled at him and told him not to do it again. And so today he did it again. I tore him a new one. But I think it was well warrented.
Then I yelled at him for abandoning me in the store, I couldn't see where the soda I wanted was, and he had already gotten his, so he just left, I didn't know where he was and when I grabbed my drink I wandered back and forth in front of the isles looking for him. I felt like such an idiot, and I didn't think it would be too much for him to just tell me where he was going.
Then we got into a fight about sex again. We just can't see eye to eye on the subject. I want to be swept off my feet. I want romance and music. I don't think that a little mental foreplay is too much to ask is it? I wish it was as easy for me as it is for him. He just gets the urge, and says "lets do it." Then gets mad at me for wanting something more and for saying no. I feel worthless when he gets mad at me for saying no. It's not fair for me to say that the fight was just about sex, there is a much deeper current running under the fight. I know that it hurts him when I turn him down. He knows that it makes me feel cheap when he doesn't make an effort to make me feel special. And we both think that the other is selfish and inconsiderate for not being conserend about the other's feeling. We yelled at each other good, it was a doozy. I don't think he understand's how he makes me feel when he hangs up on me while we are on the phone.
What I hate is he hangs up on me then gets mad at me for not calling him back. He's like if I loved him I would call him right back. I want to respond that if he loved me he wouldn't have hung up on me in the first place.
I so wanted to do mean things to myself, I still do. But I won't.
He got mad at me for getting on the 'net. He says he's fine, he says he has to go to work, then he calls me and gets mad at me for being on the 'net. Like I should be, I don't know, sitting by the phone waiting for him to call, to make sure he's O.K. and that I have permission to go online.
Mad at me for being online, mad at me for chatting with Bruce, I can do no right.
It is actully a lucky thing that I was online. The writer of one of the diary's I frequent contacted me. Hayato. I have the diary listed as one of my fav. A good person to talk to. Definatly helped me to not do myself harm.
I don't know were I am now. I'm angry at myself, I want to do unspeakable things to hurt me, but... I deserve better then myself.

12:10 a.m. - 08-10-2001
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