damik's Diaryland Diary

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Fear, doubt, and stabillity

Sometimes I get the nagging feeling that I'm just playing house. That this life isn't really mine, and I don't deserve it.
It's the moments of stabillity that causes this. It's when everything is floating along just fine, no hicups. When Trevor and I couldn't be more in love. When we have nothing better to do then sit in eachother's arms and kiss, when we are doing normal domestic chores together. It's the normality of it all. It's the ordinary. I relish the moments, but I know I don't deserve them.
Dr. Tom and I are working on me living in to moment more. Well sort of, he tells me I should, and I shrug it off. But I should I should live these moments not wondering if I should have them.
I think of this as I pass into darkness again...
Today was marked by nothing.
A day of wishing I hadn't woken up, following so many days of productiveness. So many days of feeling good about myself. Of doing something.
I have a second interview tomorrow for one of the jobs I applied for. I'm not sure about this one at all. I wish I could ask someone for pratical advise on this one, someone who knows about the subject.
This company went under one name and the state took away their residential programs because they were negligent in their services. They kept their job training and day programs. But TURN took over thier residential programs. Now they are closing down the job coaching and day programs and re-opening them under a new name along with new residential programs. I don't know if this name change has something to do with getting around the state closing them down or if they have reformed and the state has allowed to serve residental again. I don't know the reason they were shut down in the first place.
It's everything I don't know that makes me worry about the name change.
For all I know they could be entiary legitimate, but I can't say that I'm sure.

10:30 p.m. - 07-18-02
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