damik's Diaryland Diary

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Shed blood, not tears

It hurts so much; I tried to talk to him. We had another fight. I was late getting out of work, I had to finish paperwork, I took longer then I thought I would, and then he accused me of not actually doing paper work. He accused me of lying, maybe I am over reacting, but it seemed like he was saying I was cheating, not working. He said I ruined his day, and than he just shut down. I tried to talk to him; I tried to work it out. I just wanted him to show me that we have hope in this relationship, but we don't. He doesn't want to work it out, because he doesn't want to be with me anymore. "A dream, all a dream, which ends in nothing, and leave the sleeper where she lay down."
I should have known it would never work out. What hurts is I did believe him when he said that he didn't like her in that way anymore. Can I just pack up my life and move on? Can I really just let it be over? I would have done anything to make it work.
I just wanted him to let me know that there was hope, and he couldn't even do that. "Just give me four hours," he said. Like in four hours he'll have decided that our relationship is worth saving, like in four hours, he'll have miraculously decided he could settle for me when he really wants her.
Life's not going to get any better either is it? I'm holding on to a dream there, too. I want to give up on everything, but I have obligations.
Ok, I have five weeks left at the pre-school, maybe I should put in my two weeks at TURN to co-inside, and let that just be it. Give up on ever believing that it will be worth it. Give up trying.
It's not that I can't live with out him, I centered my believe on that it can get better, it will get better. If my relationship with Trevor can't get better, then why would I think life could get better? There is no sunshine, no light breaking through. No magical transformation. Just bleakness. Just downtrodden, hopeless, lost.
I don't want to dream anymore, reality ruins the dream. It hurts too much.

5:51 p.m. - 04-21-02
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