damik's Diaryland Diary

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What could it hurt?

My new phne has brick attack. The kyocera I had three years ago had the game too, I remember when I was living at Timber Creek playing the game as I was driving home from somewhere. At each stop light I would play a little further because I was going to beat my all time high score. I finally pulled into a parking lot somewhere. I played 'till I got further then I ever had before. Its not a happy memory nor is it a sad one. Do they have to be classified as such? Its just a memory. It was the first year I came close to leaving Trevor. It was the last year I OD'd on Tylonal PM's. I hate where I've taken my life. I feel like I've stagnated. I haven't gotten a second job and I couldn't make it on my own.
Is this how I get here? I realize I'm a failure and I don't want to try any more?
I have forgotten why it was I wanted to stop. I look at the red lines on my arms and I know they are me. Do I now identify myself as a "cutter"? They are me but I'm not then, so what am I? What are they?
If Will and I hadn't moved in together I would have gotten a roommate. Could I have made it in that situation? I wouldn't think myself a leach for that situation. I wouldn't think myself a failure. But because I chose instead to make a home with Will I fell like I'm once again dependng on some man to support me, not supporting myself. Am I being illogical? Should I have stood on my own for longer befor I lived with him?> Is it wrong that I feel I have lost something forever because I never got 'my place' back after I had to let it go?
Or am I being stupid because I'm PMSing and I'm letting it effect me like always.
I can handle this, not let it get out of control. I have had times of hurting that I didn't let go to far. I ave often hated my life but have gone on living. I have kept my "options" open and not used them. I haven't fallen that far. I look at the lines I have on my arms now and I wonder what a few more cold hurt. There is no irreperable damage.

10:58 a.m. - 01-11-04
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