damik's Diaryland Diary

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Dark clouds on the horizon

I have found if I rub his sholders while he's sleeping he will stop snoring. A more polite way of getting him to stop then, say, jabbing him in the ribs with my elbow. It just doesn't allow me much sleep. Less then if he snored through the night.
Its one of thoes periods where I feel increadably lonely. Where I can't find the inspiration to do anything, where I just feel worn thin.
I could fall asleep right now if I wanted, its not that I'm not tired, I just feel this overwhelming wave of- well I don' know what of but it seems endless, and if I slept right now I would give into it.
I need to go over to my mother's tomorrow and finish cleaning the basement. I can no longer put it off. I need to get a broom and a dustpan, bring it over and clean. I can safely get one now because I will have money again. Weehee! Very breifly have money, but have money none the less. I'm going to call the school I used to work at and let them know I'm available to be a sub.
I have the razor on the desk in front of me. The lines on my arm aren't even an angry red, more of a sad pink. I didn't do it well enough, I didn't do it right. I feel so alone, and like a failure because I screw so much up. I'm pathetic because I wouldn't be like this if I took my drugs like a good little girl. I hate that I can't stand on my own. I need a little, round, white, fucking crutch. Elizebeth Wartzel was right about being sent back befor the warenty ran out. I am a deffective model.
I just finished the book Veronika Decides to Die I was supposed to feel uplifted with a renewed vigor for life, but I felt like she had it right in the first place. Or I'm just in a nasty, dark mood in no state for an "uplifting" story. I'm not sure if I liked the book, which means I probably didn't, but I'll re-read it and see. It carried me through, I didn't find it slow, I just remained somewhat untouched.
Maybe I put too much stock in the reviews from Amazon. Person after person writing what an amazing story it was. How it gave them a whole new prespective.
I am sick. I keep looking, thinking that I didn't do it good enough so I aught to try again, I should make my cuts better.
He tells me I can talk to him when I need to. He was so tired from work today, I can hear him sleeping soundly in the other room. Should I wake him and talk to him?
I can't see why it matters, its just meaningless cuts on my arm. Why should I care to try and stop myself?
And who knows maybe this time I'll do it right.

11:33 p.m. - 01-08-04
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