damik's Diaryland Diary

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Race to the finish

Lets see.
Sleeping all day, not eating, whoring around, SIBs... What else can I add to the crash course my life is on? Thats it, I'm developing access to drugs.
Hmm, and drinking untill I black out.
Yep thats where I am now, no grand talk about how I'm going to get my life back on track, how I'm going to hit the gym, start writing daily, eat better, no I'm in the mood for the crash at the end. I want to burn bridges faster.
To all the 'hang in there's' I say I will. Even at my darkest, when I think there is no way I can go on, something always thwarts my planned distruction. And its something inside of me, I'm not really done with myself yet. The thing is I haven't let go of that childhood fantisy that I will be content in my own lifetime. That I will have productive days that don't include sleeping four hours after work. And I'll have fun-filled nights that don't include falling to sleep with tears on my cheek, because I wan't strong enough again to stand up for myself, to take care of myself.
While I could sit here and come up with countless ways to take better care of myself, and probably rebuild some of my esteem, the only thing I'm really thinking about is whats the most addictive, least icky drug I could drown myself with. Ah, for the crash.
I hope Colin warned his friend away.

4:19 p.m. - 04-21-03
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