damik's Diaryland Diary

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It screams, alone

I don't understand this anymore then you do.
Just last week, I felt free. I knew happiness I had long forgotten. There was a spring in my step, and a real, honest-to-god smile on my face. I didn't remember what it was like not to have to force it. It was nice. It was another of thoes things that dies hard.
I lost it.
And I don't know how or why. What was changed from now untill then. I can't take it anymore. The fall is much too hard.
I don't care who understands, and who doesn't. Who it hurts and who won't forgive me. I can never make it better and I can never be worth anything.
I've swept myself off too many times, and I'm too much of a loser to keep trying.
This building panic, this constant nagging, reminding me I've been too long in this world is overwelming to me. How can I not sucumb to it?
I can't live a life of quiet desperation. Desperation isn't quiet. It screams in a locked room. Pounding and clawing, begging to be noticed. Desperation isn't quiet, it's lonely.
It's like some lives are worth saving. Some people have something to give back. Not me, no, I'm a leach on sociaty. Draining, sucking the good from all around me.
I hurt people. Thoes I love, and those I wish liked me. I'm sure my being gone would hurt for a bit, but it's like pulling off a bandaid. You never remember the pain for long. For 21 years I've been pulling it off slowly. Now it's time to yank.
I can't do it anymore. I tried being strong or pretending to be. I've tried to take it one day at a time, but an hour seems to much.

10:35 p.m. - 01-25-03
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