damik's Diaryland Diary

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The distorted mirror

I hate what sociaty has done to women.
My mother is feeling over weight. Granted she's pregnant right now, so she's supposed to be getting bigger. But she was telling me how she was looking at old photographs marveling at how thin she was. And how sad it was that she never felt thin.
We are taught that we are never thin enough. From the first time the school nurse weighed us in elementry school and we compaired on the playground.
They don't still do that do they? Weigh the studants in elementry? I hope not.
I wonder if that's where the clearly developed lines of populariaty start, or is it much sooner? How young is it that we know that one person is more desirable then another?
Did we learn from the catty conversations of our mother's and their friends. Cackeling at the extra five pounds the neighbor put on. Did we learn it from the early TV programs who told us not to discriminate because of different races and disabilities yet said nothing about overweight people. Or was it from our older brothers and sisters, who, having already learned that it was accaptable, made jokes at the bigger people.
I hate looking in the mirror and hating who I see. I hate that when someone tells me that I'm silly, that I really am beautiful, I can't believe them. I hate the feeling I get sometimes where I think, maybe, I would do anything to be thin.
I want to find where that seed is planted, That weed that's infested my mind, I want to dig it out so it will never hurt me again.
But it's buried too deep.
And the roots are far too established.
That idea planted so long ago has festered. Not just in my mind, but in every man, women, and child.
In everyone to whom only size matters.
In anyone who has ever said or thought "Wow, she would be pretty if only she lost some weight."
In every girl who has thought, "If I could just be skinner, he would still love me."
In every girl who has lost her innocence because that was the only way she thought anyone would love her, because who could love a fat girl.
And any girl who has ever go to bed with tears soaking her pillow and bile stinging her throught, hoping that one day she could look in the mirror and see some one beautiful.

12:51 a.m. - 07-15-02
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