damik's Diaryland Diary

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no unnecessary touch

Sinking to new levels of self loathing. Fuck, when am I going to hit bottom and just get it over with. I am now fighting the urge to cut. The strong urge to cut.
But I'm going to put that all behind me and go to my mothers to work on an application for a job I'm not quilafied for. It'll rock.
I really don't have anything else to say except I hate myself for not standing up to my vow. For taking the easy route of letting him fuck me instead of standing up for myself.
See the thing is I didn't even want him to touch me, it was gross, he was gross. And instead of pushing him away, just telling me I didn't want him to touch me. At least he stopped touching me afterward, at least I was able to stumble off to another bed and be left alone.
I keep telling myself I deserve better then this, but how can I make myself believe it? How can I make myself stop putting me in these positions anyhow?
They were right to not let me drive home, but I should have walked home instead of his house. I need to be smart about myself.
Or just fucken kill me. I don't have to be to work untill Monday...

9:23 a.m. - 04-18-03
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