damik's Diaryland Diary

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Endless Summer Days

Last night I feel asleep curled in the fetal position clenching a heating pad to my stomach, in more pain then I can remember ever being in. Woke this afternoon feeling as though I hadn't slept at all.
I'm trying to keep the light on, trying to make it through. Not letting it kill me, because it could.
I'm not going to think about it though, I went to Wal-Mart today and I remembered exactly why I say I never want children.
I hate my body though, I close my eyes and imagine stabbing my stomach repeatedly.
So I'm going to write about something good, and what could I write about that�s good besides sex with Will. I don't have a word for how amazing it was last night. It was the passionate, pulling clothing off as we entered my apartment, pushing me onto the bed kind of sex. There was more heat and desire then I could ever expect to feel in my life.
That was hours before the pain thing. We threw our sleeping schedule off with the driving to Vegas thing. Hopefully I can get back on track soon. I don't know what I'm doing. We are planning on going to Pineview again on Friday.
Like I said, I'm trying to keep up beat. My emotions are getting away from me though; I get frustrated, I want to bitch more then I aught to. My fuse is shorter. I have no patience with myself right now. I want to cry, all the time I want to cry, in anger, in frustration, in sadness. I want to cut. I want to bleed because I think it would make me feel better, and if I had a moment to myself, I'm not sure I wouldn't have. I'm unhappy so I start to wonder would it be a good idea to down all the Prozac and Zoloft I have in one fowl swoop. I want to go crazy; I want to fall apart at the seams so all can see I'm unable to deal. But I want to be able to deal. I want to be strong enough to handle it.
Like I said, I'm trying to keep the light on, but times sneak in when it feels so dark, and the darkness feels so endless. I know I can make it through, but I'm not sure.

12:26 a.m. - 07-14-03
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