damik's Diaryland Diary

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Killing Hope

This isn't going to be as tearful an entry as it would have been had I written it yesterday. I wouldn't say I've grown to acceptance, but I've grown to something, and that something lies too deep for tears. I hate the course of life and where its taken me. I hate desperately running away, just to have the problems run with you.
It wasn't supposed to happen, I lived with it as a fear, as any woman does. Then I was told it wouldn't be an option for me, I kept silent about it for a long time, trying to accept, hating the fact, and wishing it wasn't true. I didn't want the opportunity to have been taken away from me, and I didn�t want it to be in part my fault, a consequence I didn't know about at the time.
I accepted begrudgingly the odds and that I wasn't less of a woman because of it that it wasn't for me. I told myself over and over it was a good thing that it wasn't for me anyhow. At times I managed to convince myself. At times I actually believed it.
So I beat some of the odds. It�s irrefutable. And its nothing like the first time I was pregnant. Then I couldn't eat. Each morsel of food I consumed would be rejected post haste. Not a problem this time, no, the only problem I have now is a constant cramp that increases in intensity when I least expect it. And tears that always threaten to fall.
I told Will about it yesterday, and we ran. Went to Vegas. But I still hurt, part of me wishes there could be some kind of choice. Most likely its Ectopic, if it isn't I was told I wouldn't be able to carry it to term; I would lose it if I tried. I just need to find out if it is Ectopic.
If it isn't there really isn't a choice anyway. I would abort. So many reasons. Starting with it not being carried to term anyhow. The little voice yelling at me "They could be wrong, there could be a chance." But I couldn't put myself through that. The fact that I don't want children now. The little voice pleads, "But what if you never get the chance again, what if this was your last hope?" Will doesn't want children, he doesn't want to be a father.
That part of me, the little part of me that I can't make shut up, that I can't make listen to reason, imagines her with my eyes and his smile and pleads with me to try. But I can't let Hope grow.
There was so many people I didn't tell. I didn't tell Trevor, because by the time I learned that I was screwed up I wasn't telling him anything real important. I didn't tell my mother because she had enough guilt about that time of my life anyway, she'd find somehow to internalize it. I told my Stepmother and a couple of the guys I slept with. That was all. I didn't want anyone else to know, because I still viewed myself as less of a woman. Stupid, huh?
This wasn't supposed to be able to happen, I wasn't going to have to make this choice again, even though now its not much of a choice. I don't know how to get rid of the part of me that still wants her, that still wants me to try. I don't know how to convince that part, the part that believes in the impossible, that it couldn't happen. That I made the choice that took it away from me.
The thing is now to find out if it is an Ectopic Pregnancy while I still have time to get the pill instead of having to have the surgery. And if its not to convince myself there is no other choice.
Fuck, I wouldn't want a baby now anyway.

8:19 p.m. - 07-12-03
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