damik's Diaryland Diary

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Self Sabatoge

I think I'm going to keep sabatoging myself untill I can accept that it wasn't my fault. And if I do lose the weight it doesn't mean that I'm going to be hurt again. And if I don't lose the weight it doesn't mean I'm not going to be hurt again.
But even as I write the words 'It wasn't my fault" my mind starts screaming, yes it was. If I hadn't been such a pert, flirtatious child. If I hadn't desperatly saught attention from men to prove to myself that I had value. If I hadn't teased him. If I hadn't been neive and followed him back there in the first place.
And I start to think maybe it's better this way I'm so good at hurting myself, more then just a few cuts on my arm. It's easier if I do it myself, more effictive. So I stay fat and punish myself for it. For being fat, for wanting to lose weight. And I use sex to hurt me. I say I'm not beautiful, why does he love me? I'm fat, why would he want to see me naked?
Who could love a fat girl?

4:28 p.m. - 11-16-02
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