damik's Diaryland Diary

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I am guitly

The good thing is they don't make it easy for you. To end life I mean. It's easy to want to, it's just the act it's self thats so hard.
Oh, sweet oblivion, why do you elude me so?
I guess I'm not a trustworthy kind of person. I admit I have a problem with the "whole truth and nothing but the truth" thing. I am guilty of the sin of omision. I leave out detals that I don't think he really needs to know. Back when my mom and sister and every one disaproved of him, I wouldn't tell him everything they said because I didn't want to create turmoil. And even now I don't tell him things that are liable to get me in trouble. Like Dr. Mark. I didn't tell him about Dr. Mark right away, because I knew he would be less then thrilled about it. Was I proven wrong? NO. Today I was chatting with some one from diaryland. I was making this stupid joke about having a crush on all my male co-workers. Trevor was hovering over my sholder making me feel nervous. I figured that he wouldn't assume I was kidding, he would assume that I in fact did have a crush on all my male co-workers. I didn't want to be called a slut again. I didn't want to be called a cheating bitch. I wanted to avoid all the negitave that would result from him taking the joke the wrong way. I didn't avoid any of it.
He's right, you know. I shouldn't try to keep things to myself. Not that I'm not entitaled to it, but because if I don't bigger fights ensue. And all thoes names I hope to avoid, I still get called them.
I resent that I can't keep part of my life private, even from him. It's not like they are big things. Ok, maybe Dr. Mark was. But mostly it's me walking on egg shells. Like when I buy something that I know he won't approve of. Things that I don't feel like I have the freedome to do with out getting in trouble.
And I never know which egg shell is going to crack. I lost my pager for work on wensday, no mostly I'm happy to be rid of the god forsaken thing. I never wanted it in the first place, but I loathe to tell work that I lost it, and I don't want to have to pay for something I never wanted in the first place. So of course I'm looking for it. I wasn't bothering Trevoer to help me, I didn't say anything at all. I just started to look for it. I figured that sence he was updating it wouldn't be a deal if I poked around the apt. to find it. He asked me what I was doing, I explaind I needed to find the damned thing. Then he told me to look for it tomorrow. I can't. I need it for work tomorrow. I explained it to him, a mite more tersly then I should have. Guess what followed? If you guessed a fight you have just been entered in to our drawing for a million dollars.
So I've been cutting myself again. Thirty-five is the grand total for the night. So they're getting deaper. It could be worse, I could be downing pills or something. It could be worse, I could believe that deaths worth the effort.

11:12 p.m. - 11-04-01
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