damik's Diaryland Diary

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It all seems wrong

I should have lied.
As my counter reflects I induldged in some cutting behavior over a week ago. I didn't bother to hid it like I usually do, couldn't really care enough. So a co-worker saw and asked about it. Didn't care enough to lie, either. Later she felt a bit stressed because she thought it was her fault I got in trouble for leaving work. She told me that she cut herself because of it. She couldn't deal with the stress of getting me in trouble so she thought of what I did, and tried it herself. Yah, I'm a good example for my co-workers.
I got brand new razors to replace the dull and rusty ones that caused me such problems. I haven't used any of them yet, I've been playing the waiting game. Is it time yet?
I've been trying to act better. Been trying to be a support for thoes who need it more.
I feel like I'm such a drain on everyone. Like I can't do anything right, and I'm bringing everyone else down.
That fucking inescapable thought I try and fight. They would be so much better off if...
Trevor is going to take the Mazda, I can't afford it, and he's fit it into his budget. He has no need for a second car, he has one, his girlfried has one, the Mazda will just sit in the apartments or he'll trade it in, or whatever, because I don't make enough and he's willing to take it off of my hands. I feel like I'm taking advantage of him.
I feel like I'm taking advantage of everyone. I don't understand it. I don't get it. What is it about me that would make a person so willing to help me? I'm not just talking about the car here. I've inspired other such generosity and I can't figure out why. I could even explain the car away some, its in his name too, and he doesn't want me to hurt his credit. He wants to buy an SUV soon.
I can't do anything right. I don't respond well to things, I can't make things better. I don't want to live with my mother. I don't know what I'm doing, but it doesn't feel like anything will go right. It feels like I just keep making mistake after mistake. I can't remember the last time I made a right desision.
Tomorrow I will wake up and smile, right now I just wanted to vent a bit. And when I lay down to sleep I hope he won't notice me cry.

10:15 p.m. - 09-16-03
1 comments

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

previous - next