damik's Diaryland Diary

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I don't believe anymore

I suppose this is life's way of teaching me not to care about anything or any one. To go through knowing that nothing matters. And its all just a waste of energy anyhow.
I should never pretend that I can be good enough, because I can't.
The only man I'd ever be able to share my life with is one I've hurt so deaply that he believes he doesn't deserve anyone better then me.
Before I got togeather with Trevor I told myself I wasn't going to enter into a relationship untill I learned to love myself. I think I'll take up that vow again. Guarntee myself a lifetime alone.
Not that it would be that long. I'm already making plans. I have this desperate desire to give Colin back his space heater by Thursday because I want to kill myself after that. And this isn't just a passing fancy, this is an 'I've spent so long fighting the current, why not just follow it down.' I can't afford to live, I'm just spinning my wheals anyhow, I can't see how it'll ever be worth it, how it will ever get better, what's the use kind of thing. This is an I'm tired of fighting the desperation. I'm tired of trying to find worth.
Andrew, I'm going to vacate my apartment soon, if you still wanted it, I'll try not to get blood on the carpet.
So the thing is, do I ask for help, do I reach out in search of someone who cares? I know where most all of it would go, Colin would tell me to cut leangth wise, Andrew would be consolitory for a while, and then want sex, and those who could actully be there for me, I can't let them. So maybe I should heed the advise that I know Colin would give, not that I'd cut to kill myself, but the meaning is clear, don't screw up.
I think its a good thing he ran. No one needs someone as fucken screwed up as me in their life. I still just wish I knew why. It was like before he left for Vegas he wanted to get to know me better, he was going to call when he got back, but for some reason he didn't. I'm sure its just like Dan and Colin, and someday Andrew, I serve a function until they find someone better. Maybe he just found someone better. Or realized he deserved more then me.
So I'll just paint on a smile, pretend to be happy, and look forward to a day all by myself, when no one is going to bother me, or notice.

7:38 a.m. - 04-02-03
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