damik's Diaryland Diary

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One for the private folder

Ga, is it time to say things which have never been spoken? Exorcise demons and that shit?

I've talked to presious few people about it. I've bairly written about it for fear of judgement. All the while telling myself I was O.K. with it.

At 16 I chose not to carry a pregnancy to term. Most of the reasons are my own and will remain that way. I'd say only four people know the real reason, and Trevor nor my parents are any of the four. Two of them I'll never see again, and one I'm not sure if I told him or I just think I told him.

I've talked about it more sence leaving Trevor then I ever did while we were together. The topic was always taboo. He wanted to pretend it never happened. He always wanted children, and I think it hurt him that I didn't.

To thoes I did talk to I said I was too young. Being 16 at the time it was an easy answer. If I allowed them in anymore I'd tell them I didn't believe I'd be a good mother, I was too depressed. I could nver raise a child in a world with so much pain. Never mentioned I wished I'd been aborted, that would be beside the point. I would say if I were ever to have childerm I wanted to wait untill I was financially stable enough to support them. I never mentioned that in my mind the most compassionate thing I could do was to snuff him out quickly before the world did it slowly. And I never ever said the reason was an uncertanty I didn't want to know the answer to. I didn't care to find out.

I'm O.K. with it. I ponder it now because of tonights episode of Six Feet Under. As I watched the scene with Clair at Planned Parenthood I marvled at how different te T.V. version was from my own experence. On the show a handfull of girls get called back like a cattle call. We got called one at a time.

I remember how impersonal it was. The ultrasound was the same as on the show. I remember trying to steal a glimps of it before they stacked y file with all the rest.

On T.V. the atomosphere was bright and clean and professional looking. It was so dark where I was. And it hurt more then anything I'd ever experenced before.

I was so alone when they were done, for a long time. Trevor told me that many girls went back after me and left before me. I was only awair of a few. He said he was scared for me.

I cried and puked and bleed all the way home, that is when I wasn't sleeping. But the Subway people were nice to me.

So I chose not to have a baby and I screwed myself up for the rest of my life.

For me I don't think childhood ended the first time a preditor laid hands on me. I don't think it happend in the back seat of Trevor's Sentra or the first time I stood up to my mother. Childhood was done long before I graduated highschool. Before I moved out of my mom's house, even. I killed it. In some dirty, dark, lonely clinic in Los Vegas I aborted my own childhood.

11:52 p.m. - 05-18-03
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