damik's Diaryland Diary

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Asking for help

I had myself plenty of good reasons to call Will last night and ask for help. It still pisses me off that I did, because I usually don't do that.
But first off I know that if I tell some one this is where I am, this is where I want to be, and this is what I need, it'll be a lot easier for me to get there. My goal right now is to make it to sixty days, a good solid goal because I'm struggling to make it to tomorrow. So I called him because I know its easier to reach if others know about the goal. But the main reason I called him is because I needed to get through the moment. I needed something to distract me from the desire. I thought about writing, I thought about T.V., but the only thing I thought about that was stronger then the desire to cut, was to hear his voice.
We talked about what the incentive should be for me when I reach the sixty days. He had some good ideas. I'm debating between a lazer show at the planitariam or time at a spa. Hmm. Either one would propell me the rest of the way.
I tell myself I shouldn't feel bad, or weak, or pathetic for calling him. I shouldn't feel like I'm a bother for talking to him about my stupid problems. I tell myself it isn't pretence, he does care. But I still feel like a bother. I still feel pathetic. I still wonder why he would care. I should just accept things at face value. Not wonder what it is I'm missing. What I don't see.
This is how I ruin relationships. I think I've lost the ability to trust.

10:40 a.m. - 05-18-03
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