damik's Diaryland Diary

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Sometimes It Just Goes

I tried to have a simple conversation with Trevor about the double standards in our relationship. It didn't go so well. He refuses to talk to me when I have something I want to say and he doesn�t' want to listen. Then I get real frustrated, and messiness ensues.
If I had had the means to end it all yesterday, I would have. Trevor says I try to cut him down to my level. I hate him thinking that. I would never purposely do that. I would want any one to be where I am. I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy. I wouldn't wish that on my sister, let alone the man I love.
And that he would think that I do... If my leaving could prevent him from becoming what I am, if my dying could save him from the self-hatred I feel, I would in an instant. He is my everything. I want only the best for him. Though even that is a contradictory notion, because I want him to be with me and I know that I am not the best for him.
Do you think if I loved him more I would be willing to save him from myself?
On an whole other subject I sent off my registration for the marathon today which means I'm guaranteed acceptance. Or pretty much, I guess if 2200 people beat me to it then I won't be accepted, but I doubt that. So now I need to buckle down and get serious with the training. Because I'm going to do this thing. I'm going to run a marathon.
No matter how many people discourage me, doubt me, warn me, think me a fool, don't let me quit. Let me hear another voice saying "I can, and I will".

12:00 a.m. - 03-20-02
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