damik's Diaryland Diary
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I Can't Kill the Green Eyed Monster
I have a nasty jealous streak. For as long as I can remember, I've experienced the blazing, painful, stab of jealousy. I drove away my first real boyfriend that way, and ever since, I fought to keep it out of Trevor and my relationship. I built up a mountain of trust. That was all I had, that's what kept it at bay. I didn't care what he did with out me, because I had faith that he loved me enough to not hurt me what ever he did. Now, I'm not the only jealous one in this relationship, I lived with his mistrust for years. His doubting, even today, I can't go to my mothers with out him worrying that I'm going over to see Patrick. I know how much it hurts.
But I know how much it hurts to have trust shattered, too. That mountain I built, in the back of my mind, I always knew how fragile it was. But I wasn't prepared for how easily it crumbled, or how hard it is to put back together.
Slowly I build it back up and a slight breeze comes by and it all comes down.
I love you more then you could ever know
Your smile and your bright blue eyes
But I'm not sure how I can show
You that your my earth and sky
I'd walk across the sun for you
I'd fly to the moon and back
I'd paint all the gray skys blue
I'd give you anything you lack
You fill my heart, my soul, my mind
With a love I feel so true
You can be so sweet and kind
Each day my love wakes anew
But it's not enough for you
This love I feel so much
You want a beauty true
I feel I'm loosing touch
So easily built it all comes down
Why can't we last forever
This love we had it all comes down
Until I'm left with never
Sorry to go on a tangent.
It's Saturday's...
That's a lie, it's even a lie to say it's the other girls he's interested. It's all me. If only I could find the confidence to believe that he still wants to be with me.
I'm nothing; I'm just a piece of worthless shit. Nobody deserves to be stuck with me. And now to make matters worse I'm a jealous piece of shit.
Now I'm not saying my jealousy is unfounded. And if anyone else wants to tell me that they can just go to hell, and I mean that.
Lets go down the list...
Less then a year ago he went out with Heidi as "just friends" brings her home to our apartment. Lies about it, and tells me when he figures that he's not getting away with it.
The Saturday before my birthday he brings home Jessica. Makes out with her. To his credit it's guilt, not the fear of being caught that makes him confess.
On my birthday he promises me he will not go out with her again. The next Saturday he goes to breakfast with her, only tells me when his stories don't add up and he's afraid I'm going to get mad if I figure out the truth on my own.
Then some Saturdays later He goes out dancing with a male friend. He meets Allison, who he finds intriguing. Gets freaky on the dance floor. He won't take me dancing. I take a day off and go to a club with him six months before, and he won't stay on the floor for one whole dance. But he'll rub up to some one he's just met.
Then he swears to me that he values our relationship and he won't ever do anything with Jessica again. And instead on another Saturday he goes out to breakfast with her and doesn�t' get home until 4:30 in the morning. Tells me about this one, because his story has holes, and he can't confirm his alibi.
So no my jealousy isn't unfounded, it's just unwanted. I want to be able to say again, go out have fun, I trust you.
Saturdays are the worst for me, I can understand his boredom, I can understand his need for companionship. What I can't understand is why he doesn't have that need on Sunday, Monday, Tuesday Wednesday, or Thursday. Those days he's content to screw around on the internet and go to bed early.
I hate Saturdays.
I know it's because of me. Stupid, fat, clingy, angry, jealous, unattractive, nasty, miserable girl.
He tells me all the time he has such beautiful women hit on him. I don't understand why he hasn't left me for one of them yet.
I don't understand why I haven't killed myself yet.
Sometimes I think going to his diary, he's Goldenboy if you didn't already know, would give me a better understanding, but I stay away. Not just from respect, but also from fear of what I'd read there.
The razor is calling me. It's been almost a month, and I want to be strong and resist, but it's getting too hard.
5:16 p.m. - 03-17-02
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
older entries: When. I called when! - 11:27 p.m. , 10-07-13 Intrusive - 3:31 p.m. , 09-12-13 It isn't working today. - 2:21 p.m. , 09-09-13 Sleep, SI, Stress, and Pain, yeah, I hit them all. - 4:46 p.m. , 08-09-13 I hate this game. I don't want to play anymore. - 2:59 p.m. , 05-29-13 |
