damik's Diaryland Diary

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Its gross

I woke up this morning with my eyes so puffy its gross.
I'm so thirsty, but I froze my soda last night. You know what else is gross? How the water from my tap comes out all cloudy. So I'm left with the choice of nasty water or nasty chocolate milk drink. And I can't bring myself to drink the water. Maybe I should microwave my soda.
Had a breakfast of candy bars, lovely, huh? How long do you think I can go on feeling this way? I dreamed of blood last night, and I woke up smiling.
Did dealing with Trevor knock me that much on my ass? I think I'm getting weaker. I used to be able to take what he dealt me unfazed. Now I go to the bank with him to take my name off and I wind up in a foul mood for the rest of the day.
I want to go back to bed and forget I even woke up.
Its like I just felt like he was trying to manipulate me, and it pissed me off. And I found myself being sucked into the game, and that really made me mad. I would start saying things that would bother him as much as the things he said bothered me. I don't want to be the kind of person who plays that game.
He said the thing he liked best about his new girlfriend was that she was so independent, she has dreams and goals, she got her license at 16 and has gone to college.
It hurt. True enough he hollered at me for being independent, he belittled my dreams, but it hurt because I know I shouldn't have let my dreams die. I shouldn't hear his voice each time I imagine trying something I want, telling me I'm going to fail and I shouldn't even bother.
This chocolate milk drink is especially nasty.
I can't blame him any more then I can blame my stepfather for the systematic destruction of my goals and ambitions. I did it myself, and I probably didn't need the help they gave me with it. I could have done it just as well with out them.
"I have goals now, I have dreams, I'm just afraid to believe in them," I want to tell him, to justify myself. But he doesn't need justification. He doesn't deserve it anyway.
I'm working to get over my fears. To teach myself that even a failure can be a victory because it means I tried. I need to set out a structured plan on how to make myself strong. Make myself care for and about me. I need to take care of myself. I started filling out the fafsa form again, maybe actually turn it in this time, maybe actually go to school. Can I? Can I believe I can succeed? Can I find the strength to take the risk?
Know what else is gross? Wondering if at this moment I'm motivated to think about it because Trevor told me his new girlfriend has goals.
I have all these cute little plastic clips on my desk that are now mostly broken. I need to start taking care of my shit.
He denied ever hitting me, too. He told me I'd never find a guy who wouldn't hit me, but he didn't. Told me I would regret leaving him. Its not like he did hit me bad, I was never one of those girls who had to go to work with dark glasses on to hide the black eye, he didn't strike me in the face. I could go on about how I had made him so made he was outside himself, which would explain why he can deny it now, and that it really doesn't count, but I won't. The argument won't win anybody over except me, and I don't need to be won over, I'm already on my side.
I could have had it so much worse. He didn't drink to excess, do drugs, bloody my nose, threaten to kill me, anything of that ilk. I suffered a few little bruises, and fear. Fear I brought onto myself. He was the way he was because I was the way I was, and I won't be logiced out of it.
It bother's Will that I believe I'll do the same to him, I think. And maybe I won't. Maybe instead he'll just up and leave one day and not hit me. Either way, one can only put up with me for so long.
I'm just purging my fears now, because I'm tired and cranky. I just can't imagine why I'm worth the effort for him, I reread the post he left me over and over, then wonder who he's looking at, because those qualities aren't in me. Maybe just the dream of me.

7:55 a.m. - 05-28-03
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