damik's Diaryland Diary
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Maybe, Maybe not
I mentioned in my profile my love for the author Robert Fulghum, in particular an essay in Maybe, Maybe Not. I just bought a new copy of the book, and I thought I would share part of the essay with you. It kind of sums up how I feel at times.
"|...|I'll always love the mother of my children for the gift of empathetic grace in the form of theat canary, which still sings in the sunniest window of my soul and welcomes me home from my ongoing bullfights."
"Bullfights? What bullfights? Tell me about the bullfights."
"When I was a young man, I accompanied my father on a business trip to Mexico. We went to the Plaza de Toros in Mexico City to see the bullfights. A wonderfully terrifying experience. And embarrassing. Experiencing in public the fear and blood and death and the mad energy of the crowd was too close to the images of terror and loathing I had concealed in my nightmares and fantasy. I cried.
"This powerful experience has kept me attached to bullfighting over the years, though I have never again been to a live event. I've read many books, collected photographic essays, seen movies, and talked with afficionados and two professional matadors.
"It is not that I like bullfighting as such. But it's the clearest metaphor I have in my mind for dealing with the dark, dangerous demon of death that runs loose in the arena of my mind from time to time.
"With experience and practice, one may increase the odds in favor of triumphing over the bull. I respect the bull. I know even the best matadors come close to death. And sometimes- sometimes- the bull wins.
"My bull is the beast of self-destruction. I know he's in there, always.
"But at age fifty-five, I am at the top of my form as a matador.
"I'm confident in the presence of the bull.
"This confidence is called ver llegar in the ring. It means 'to watch them come.' It is the ability to plant your feet exactly so- to hold your ground and see calmly, as in slow motion, the charge of the bull, knowing that you have what it takes to maneuver the bull safely by. This is dynamic stability. Standing still is one of the steps in dancing, as moments of silence are part of music. Confidence lies in the stillness. It is the confidence tha comes from many passes and many fights- you can control the bull and defeat it because you have done it before.
"My bull comes at me when I have succumbed to examining my life with a microscope. Little mites become dragons under the lens, and fear makes me weak. Or the bull comes when I am hurriedly trying to cooect and carry all the baggage of my life and haul it up the spiral staircase that leads to nowhere, and I despair of the absurdity of my life. The bull comes then. Because he thinks I welcome him as a kind of solution.
"I know him now. I can smell him, sense him before he moves. I welcome him. Yah, Toro, come on. I plant my feet and watch him come. He charges. I pass him safely by with a swing of the ccape of my confidence. The crowd in my head roars. OLE! The crowd is made up of all those ancestors who passed their bulls- they are pulling for me. OLE! OLE! OLE!
"There is always a silence when the bull is defeated."
"And in that silence, the bird in the window sings again?
"Yes."
11:53 p.m. - 10-25-01
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older entries: When. I called when! - 11:27 p.m. , 10-07-13 Intrusive - 3:31 p.m. , 09-12-13 It isn't working today. - 2:21 p.m. , 09-09-13 Sleep, SI, Stress, and Pain, yeah, I hit them all. - 4:46 p.m. , 08-09-13 I hate this game. I don't want to play anymore. - 2:59 p.m. , 05-29-13 |
