damik's Diaryland Diary

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The computer is my friend, too

I let him pull me in, I know I shouldn't have, I it was just what he wanted. What seems like out of the blue he sent me an IM with nasty tones. Not knowing why I was going to IM him back, but he wasn't on line. I got sucked into the game. I went to his diary to see if I could get a gander of why he was all riled up. I didn't realize I was still writing enough about Trevor for anybody to care what I said about him. I guess I am. I feel the need to defend myself of his post, but I won't. I called him right after, partly because I was mad that he would be so passive-aggressive about things, but mostly because he stated that I had only paid him once for the car insurance. I couldn't understand why he would think that. Last months payment got screwed up, but that was the only one. I should of known, if Trevor forgot about it, it never happened. I don't think I managed to remind him of the other payments, I didn't give the cash to him directly, it was when my paycheck was going directly into his account and so I just left the amount I owed him in instead. It may have been better for me if I had paid him directly, now I'm at a loss for what to do, he's still reluctant to admit that I'm right.
Talking to him on the phone I guess it boiled down to the fact that his girlfriend broke up with him. He said he was seaking solice and a "friend" told him about things I'd written in my diary. I don't know, part of me feels like I ought to apologise to him for the things that I've written. That I carry a grudge too long. But, I know I don't have to. He hurt me. Intentional or not, wether he remember or not, if he want to lie to himself, fine. I don't need to apologise, I don't need to tell him I'm sorry because I felt he left scars, I don't have to be sorry because I don't love him anymore.
He says we were great the first few months we were together, he says just wait, Will will start treating me the same way he treated me. Soon after we had broken up I was reading a letter he had written just two weeks after we started dating. He was apologising to me for screaming at me, he was saying sorry that he hurt me, and the like. It was written in reguards to a fight we had had because my mother wouldn't let him go to breakfast with him. He got inches from my face and screamed at me. Two weeks after we started dating. It wasn't as great as we told ourselves it was. I had so many letters and cards from him telling me how sorry he was and how he wouldn't do it again. He forgot all the second chances I gave him. When he hit me it was few and far between, he was better with the ones you couldn't see.
He talked about how he showed self restraint, how I deserved to be hit, and even begged him to, but he wouldn't. Yes, there were times I asked him to hit me, there were times when a slap across the face would hurt less then the words he used.
I'm not sorry I haven't let it go yet. I didn't realize that I still talk about it enough for him to get so hurt when his "friend" showed him what I'd written. I wronged him, too. I pushed back. There were even times I pushed first.
The more I'm with Will though, the more I realize the ways Trevor hurt me. The more I realize that not every man treats a woman like that.
And Trevor, when your "friend" reads this entry to you, think about this one, if you didn't hit me why did you tell me time and time again that I would never find a man that wouldn't hit me? You included yourself in that one. And you said it more then once.

5:06 p.m. - 07-20-03
2 comments

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