damik's Diaryland Diary

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Decietful Mirror

I completely ruined our day today.
I was just being hypersensitive. Sometimes I wish certain issues would just die. I've told him a time or two that I don't appreciate him checking out other women and pointing them out to me. More like he can't stop looking at them and telling me about them all the time. Ok, so I've yelled at him many a time for it, but still it hasn't changed. Each time is like a blow to my fragile sense of self worth... I have a sense of self worth?
Why would he even want to be with me when he's checking out women while I'm there. Now I don't care what he does with the guys, he can check out all the pretty girls he wants, I may even overlook the cat calls and wolf whistles, but when I'm right there... I know he'll never have just eyes for me, I know that's not human nature, but the girls that he points out the are so beautiful and so skinny. I wish I were them. I wish people would still look at me and think that I'm pretty. He tells me they do, but I know that's not true. He just tells me that to make me stop crying.
One of my problems, I know that this might seem weird, or something, or even untrue, but it is, is that I don't always think of myself as a fat person. There are times when I can look in the mirror and I can be happy with who I am. I honestly think I look good. And then he points out this beautiful, perfectly skinny girl, I can't compete. All the extra pounds that didn't seem like a big deal just hours before, the heavy breasts, the chubby cheeks, And I can't understand what about me I thought looked good. Because I'm not the person he wants.
He doesn't want a girl who only skips an occasional meal, he wants a girl who only eats an occasional meal. And I don't have the self discipline to be that girl, I'm not sure I want to be that girl.

7:17 p.m. - 04-09-02
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