damik's Diaryland Diary

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I'm doing nutin for Christmas

And I realize I'll never be my Daddy's little girl. I hate that I missed that. I hate that I can't come up to him desperatly seaking approval and get it. Tilt my head up like a child and recieve a kiss and reassurance. He won't protect me. I'm not his little girl. I'm too old for all that.
We will be leaving tomorrow for California. I don't feel up to the drive yet. I'm nervous, I want to stay here untill I'm sure I'll not have to deal with weather. Silly, I know, I'd always have to deal with weather, but whatever.
It's wierd not to do anything for Christmas, for this to be another day, except that all the stores are closed. It's why I wanted to drive to California before today, so that I could still celebrate, but I didn't. Sucks when everything gets pushed back.
No shining Christmas tree, no presents to exchange, we did that all on the 21st. Strange, it's just strange.
I'll admit, I've been looking at my arm of late, so healed. My mind drifting back to my razor. Thinking of how it's long sleave weather. Thinking of how I've missed it. Thus far, I guess I've been strong enough to resist, mostly because of my determination to hit 100 days, but it hasn't been easy. An old friend is calling, will I always be strong enough?

9:22 a.m. - 12-25-02
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