damik's Diaryland Diary

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I don't feel so alone

Ah, home from work, and the question of what to do with myself now. I thought about going to the coffee garden and doing some writing, but realized I'm still without money. Shall I put an italian soda on the card? Oh wait, thats my emergancy gass fund. Can't do that.
Ok, so I'll just take a nap. I'm fucken drained any how. Sounds nice and piecefull.
Just called on jobs, out of the six posting I got, only one was avalible to me. Job searches bite ass. I should just stop looking in the human services field and suck up a normal job. I could suffer through a job I'm not passionate about.
Not, I bairly have the energy to drag myself to a job I love, I couldn't even imagine forcing myself to work somewhere I hated again.
Ok, to a subject I'll never tire of. He values me as a person. *makes that strange little excited sound again* I've never valued myself as a person, now I'm being confronted with things I've never seen in myself. I never thought of asking for help as a show of strength. How could it be strength when I can't do it by myself. I never realized that it was such a big fallicy in my thinking.
I have a printed up copy of the comment he sent me in my pocket. Its already worn thin where I've folded it and unfolded it with each rereading. With each reading I'm still just as blown away that some one could feel that way about me.
I don't know that I'll ever find the right way to express how much I appreciate him and his thoughtfullness. He bought me a box of chocolats for the 60 day mile stone. God, he's like the polar oppisite of Trevor, and I have to stop compairing the two. But here comes another one. Will buys me a box of chocolates when I reached my goal, Trevor got mad at me for buying myself a shirt as my incentive when I was with him. He would tell me that it was stupid that I needed it at all. Starting to think maybe he was devoid of compassion.
Oh, that wasn't very nice of me to say.
Will is actully willing to listen and do things that I want to do. Trevor on the other hand, if there was something I wanted that was going to put him out in any way, shape, or form, or if he even thought it might put him out at all, would criticize me. Yell at me. Belittle me. Everything in his power untill I gave up on the idea. I'll never forget the time, before I had a licence, when I still thought about being a plus-sized model and had an appointment set up with an agent. I was going to take the bus but Trevor said he'd me a ride, when the time came for me to leave he had changed his mind and he just tore me apart because he didn't want to take the time to drive me there anymore. He tried to make confetti out of that dream, telling me I wasn't pretty enough, and I was wasting my energy. That it was a pointless endevor. I sat there crying and crushed, begging him to take me anyway because I was sick of wondering if I could, I wanted to try. But it was too late, I missed the last bus so I missed the appointment to.
I think of, and mention so many little things that I love to do, but didn't because he wasn't willing to do them with me. I think of how many of his fucken activities I went to, how many times I sat and watched him play some video game, the time I invested in his intrests, and he never extended me the same courtasy.
Maybe I had the wrong idea about that aspect of a relationship. Everyone has things the are passionate about, that excite them. With Trevor I wanted to experence what excited him, if I enjoyed it we could do it together. If I didn't he could feel free to do it with out me. Like Madden, I hate that game. I had no intrest what so ever to sit down and watch him build a team. I did once or twice when he first bought the games, but there was no way it would capture my attention. But he always wanted me to sit down and watch. He would pout and act like it was a personal attack when I said I'd prefer to read or some shit.
He would never even try to take an intrest in what I liked. He would just tell me it was stupid. Like the whole diaryland thing. He would tell me over and over how dumb I was for updating nightly, for spending so much time on my HTML, and the like. Then when he finally got his own diary he would spend more time on it then I would. It was like if it took me away from him he hated it, and anything that he didn't like was impossable for anyone else to like.
I just wanted him to try. Anything he didn't like or imedatly understand he would write off as dumb.
I didn't mean to go off on this Trevor bitching tangent. Though it is nice to vent. I see now that I lost too many years waiting for him to become the guy I used to pretend he was. And it was never going to happen.
I cringed when I told Will that Stacy had extended an invatation to him for Kenny's birthday party. I've told him about the freakishness that is my family, and I know he isn't looking forward to experencing them. So I cringed, my mind racing with the memory of everytime I had asked Trevor to come along. I got nothing close, not only did he say he'd go, bring a gift along even, the worst I got from him was a sigh. Polar oppisites.
I'm afraid one day I'll reach for him and my hand will go right through. That he's too good, too nice to be real.
He said to me something last night I could truely understand. How he never thought he was attractive. That he thought women only liked him for his personality and technique. Myself, I always figured that I wore guys down with my humor and oral prowes. I look at him and I see the most increadablly gorgous eyes. A great smile he shouldn't feel self-concious about. Hair I can't help but want to run my fingers through. Arms just perfect for being held with. But I know exactly what he see's. I know because there are times I've looked in the mirror and seen every flaw that nobody else would notice.

3:20 p.m. - 05-21-03
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