damik's Diaryland Diary

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Me in 20 years

I saw myself in twenty years. It was some old whore. She had on a too tight tank top with a second shirt on top drapped over her sholder and painted on jeans. She had too much makeup caked on her face, gaudy pale blue eye shadow and pancake base cracking. Her hair had grown out so that her roots were about three inches long and it was greasy and unkempt. But she seemed to think she looked good and she could walk with her head held up. Thats what would happen if I were ever to think I looked good. I would become a grocery store joke.
I got to feel what its like to binge, to buy and eat something just because you've deprived yourself for so long. After a month of going to the store and only buying essentials, nothing food related, I broke down, and am now chowing on some cheesy garlic bread. But it was worth it. And I think over indulging in food is better then my recent trend of over indulging in men who will never care about me. At least the guilt doesn't last as long. *takes another bite* Colin who? *chew chew chew* Tom who?
Dr. Tom loaned me a book, I don't really like it, its written on what a sixth grade level, I feel like I'm reading a childs primer, I like the big words. But it was still on his kick about boundaries, which incedentaly is its title. I didn't want to find myself in its pages, I didn't want anything to ring true, so when I read this it gave me pause:
"She can grow upbelieving her role is to give herself away. She may have no sense of herself. She may believe she is not allowed to set limits with people or that if she does, her limits will always be overpowered. She may get affection confused with sex, using sex to get nurturing or affection... She may overeat so that fat can provide a wall for her. She may become a frightened person with no inner sense of safty."
Its just what I've always felt. What I've always known.

9:23 p.m. - 04-10-03
0 comments

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

previous - next