damik's Diaryland Diary

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Tracking it better

I really do miss the supergold, mostly because I don't have the little white box on the top of the main page begging me to upgrade. I've started to try to track my moods on the Appollo web page see how I'm doing from day to day. I just started the tracking process yesterday, I'm going to try to make it a habit. See if I do better at it then I did making taking my meds a habit. I need to set up daily reminders on the computer.
Will and I are still having somewhat of a hard time of it. The other day I was being obsessive and he was being defensive. There was crying and hurt feelings all around. I need to work hard to convince myself that this isn't a symptom of me wearing him down. That I'm not some soul sucking black hole that takes away all the good in life.
We have great weekends.
Dr. Tom suggested that we don't just get home and turn off for the rest of the day, which makes sence, the reason we have good weekends is because we are making the most of our time. On the weekdays it seem as though we are just passing it until the next day comes along.
Its just not good for the mind. Its the reason that I've started tracking my moods. I've noticed more then a few times lately that there is a looming dispair threatening to catch up with me. Like if I slow down for too long it will over take me. Its part of the reason Will and I struggled the other day, I spend some time just doing nothing, thinking nothing... I was feeling a bit off when he got home.
The thing that wears me out is I'm still thinking about the self injury all the time, there is at least one point each day that I think about it, sometimes more. Its like I wrote about last time I stopped for any amount of time, I feel like I gave up a good friend in giving up cutting. I miss it. I hate that I still miss it. I hate that its still a part of me.

10:49 p.m. - 06-17-04
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