damik's Diaryland Diary

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Ponderings

10:00 pm seems early to me, but I'm going to take a shower and go to sleep then anyhow. I miss having a TV. I don't think there is really anything I would have wanted to watch anyhow. It just sucks that I don't have that option.
I'm so just spinnig my wheels tonight. I don't know what I'm doing. So I guess I'll take a shower.
Oh, the motercycle guy came over today. I'll call him Rob, how about that. All I have to say is wow. On so many levels, wow. He's a lawyer, I'm not sure if I mentioned that or not. He's sexy. I've never been with a man with brown eyes, but his are so deep and intense. He's got a great smile. I am so attracted to him.
I'm such a slut, if I wasn't on my period I totally would have fucked him by now. We've done all but.
And I don't get it, all these guys, Colin, Rob, Andrew, they are all increadable looking guys. Guys who could probably bed any girl they wanted to, and yet they pick me. I know I'm not the only slut in the room, I'm not the only one willing to melt in their arms. I don't think I can do this. I can't take not understanding.
Am I rotten for what I'm doing. Its like Andrew and I know where we stand. If either of us are lonely we can call and there is a chance we can engage in a meaningless fuck. Colin and I are friends, he's willing to share his bed with me, and we can enjoy sex with no emotional attachments. What colum will Rob fall in. Are we going to use eachother too? Is it unhealthy for me to be whoreing around and not getting into another real relationship? I mean unhealthy emotionally, I know all about STD's and proper protection and all that shit. Am I being an idiot, or is it just that borderline in me acting out?
Speaking of borderline acting out, I've got the overwhelming desire to cut again. Well, actully not cut, I want to dig my carving tools into my are. Force it through fat and muscle. Dig, dig, dig. I want it to hurt more then anything has ever before.
I got frusterated at Dr. Tom's today. I hope I didn't show it too much. I don't know why, I just hope I didn't. He keeps wanting me to define myself. He was talking about boundaries today, and was asking me where mine were. The whole concept was forgine to me. I really don't see the point of defining myself like that. Defining myself at all. It would all me negitive anyhow. Lets see, I'm a slut, I let people walk all over me in all aspects of my life. I'm spineless and pathetic. I don't want to go on. It sucks.

9:04 p.m. - 03-18-03
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