damik's Diaryland Diary

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The rabbit hole

I fear I may have irreprably damaged it. That my selfishness and thoughtlessness has hurt what we had together. I go into this obsessive mode, I have to make it right, I have to fix it, but I can't. It just makes it worse. I want to run away, I want to hide so I don't see how much I hurt him. I had said that there weren't enough natural consiquences, but this one is all I need. To experence untill its gone all the negitive, stressfull, hurtfull feelings that came as a result of my actions. I'm not getting any better, in fact, I'm getting worse. I swear I don't give up right away, the internal battle wages in me for what seems like an eternity before I break. It may seem like such a suprise, she seemed just fine when I saw her before. I was already falling apart. Praying for strength to get me through the day, the hour, the moment. It snowballs untill it seems like there is no end in sight, its out of my hands and I can't fix it. I'm comming apart now. I fight it, I know its wrong, but the idea creeps into my head anyhow. If I weren't here to keep hurting him. I am a lead weight dragging everybody down. So the thought creeps in. Maybe I've been to long in this world. It frightens me as I realize with certanty that this is now an option. I consider it while reason screams in the background "No, it is never an option." But its cries are distant and small. The stronger voice presuades me, "What would you really be losing?" The chance to fight with you. I'm still fighting, I haven't lost it all yet.

10:07 a.m. - 09-09-03
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