damik's Diaryland Diary

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I could have talked all night

We talked well into the night. About expectations, mistakes we've made, core beliefs. In fact he's shaken one of mine more then anyone ever has. We were talking about my situations where I was 'roughly used' about the one at Smiths and I explained to him how I shouldn't have gone back there with the guy, how I shouldn't have blindly and trustingly followed him. He asked me if I had an reason to believe that something like that would have happened, if I though the guy was going to hurt me. I had never thought of it like that. I was so focased on the fact that I was a little tart and neive and I got what I deserved, but hindsight is 20/20 and looking back there was no way I would have been able to predict that he would do that to me, that thoes were his intentions. I had no reason, at the time, not to follow him. So I'm left with the hollow, "I should have screamed, I should have fought harder" arguements which are empty because I knew at the time, or I thought I knew at the time, that he would use that gun on me.
I don't know what I know.
It wasn't my fault.
I'll win the battle sometime.
He says I'm close to being everything he's looked for. I just need to be independant. And he says he's willing to wait. He knows it takes time.
I need to get back to work, I'm all but going crazy. If I don't start working soon, I'm going to hang myself in the closet with an extention cord. I know I've threatened it before, but I'm going out of my mind. I have spent too much time doing nothing. It truely blows.

2:29 p.m. - 05-08-03
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