damik's Diaryland Diary

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Defined

The monster lurks, in the dark of night when its too early to sleep, but, late enough for me to be tired, he creeps in. Filling my head full of doubts that I never knew were there in the daylight.
He whispers "Too soon, too soon," in my ear untill I want to run and hide. He tells me that the only reason I'm here right now is because I cannot be alone. I'm not a strong enough person to be.
And he's gotten people around me to join in. Will's co-worker telling me her own story of how she knew in an instant that she was ment to be with her husband.
My step-mother asking me if he is the one.
I want to scream. Its much too soon, yes. There is no way I could know in a month the answer to that question, and even if I thought I did, I couldn't trust my own feelings. It took me a good six years to decide what should have only taken me a month, that the relationship wasn't right, that we weren't ment to be.
The monster is right in one respect, it is too soon. We are moving rather fast. But, he was wrong when he told me to run. I called Will and we talked about it. for an half and hour on the phone, then untill two last night. I can't borrow his T.V. its too big. And I know I'm being daffy about it, its an old T.V. and its only going to gather dust in the storage if I don't, but the idea makes me uncomfortable. You don't loan somebody you've only known a month a television. I think.
I looked up strong: My definition is in there, I'm not wrong. It's number 11 on merriam-websters definition list.
11 a : not easily injured or disturbed : b : not easily subdued or taken
And because I'm all of these things, I believe I'm not strong.
I may be tenacious or perhaps even stalwart, though I doubt it, but I'm not strong. I am disturbed and injured, I'm easily disturbed and quite often taken I meet none of the criteria that makes up that definition of the word.

9:28 a.m. - 05-26-03
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