damik's Diaryland Diary

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A New Tear, The Same Old Tears

Why does he have to rub it in so often that I'm not pretty? I hate everything about me. The only thing I can comfort myself with is that he really doesn't have good taste, first off he chose me. But then Jessica, who he can't ever seem to get over, she may have a good body, I'll give her that much, but she has the head of a horse. A real ugly face. But she's skinny. That's what he wants. He used to only have eyes for me. Not totally, I understand guys looking. That's o.k. it's in there nature, but when they go for the double take, can't stop looking at the girl, rub it in. Tell me how lucky it is that he's working grave shifts because he hasn't seen Megan in a while. There is a point when it becomes too much. He's told me enough. Every time he tells me about another pretty girl who's interested in him he's telling me again. I'm not good enough for him. He wants something better. Smaller. And I'm not that person, I haven't been that person in a long, long, time. And I'm not going to be for a while. So, why then am I holding on? He's gotten the point across that he doesn't want me anymore. He's still here out of obligation. He's still here because he's stuck.
He doesn't want me. If he actually wanted me other girls wouldn't be such a temptation to him that he can't even see them without there being a problem.
I am such an idiot.
Why would I stay with someone who doesn't want me.
Why do I believe him every time he tells me that he loves me and wants to be with me, only to have it all fall apart when some one better comes along.
I have to stop believing he would really want to stay with me. No one would really want to stay with me. I'm too pathetic. I'm too ugly, I'm too fat.
I don't want to believe in anything anymore. It hurts too much.
I'm starting to think that some other diarylanders are on the right track when it comes to not eating. I know I spoke loudly against the idea, but that's because I'm weak, I couldn't go a day without eating. But I'm going to teach myself self-control.
I just want him to love me again. Or at least love me enough to not rub in the fact that there are so many beautiful skinny women.

11:27 p.m. - 03-28-02
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