damik's Diaryland Diary

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He was there again

I guess I'm really not being fair to everyone else. I lement that I have no friends to lean on, but then I don't give them the chance to let me lean on them. I am alone by my own isolation.
I need to get over my foolish pride thing. I need to open up and let people in.
I have two entries in my notebook that I need to update. I left it at work. Out. I guess on the couch. I had every intention to bring it home with me, but I was in a rush, and I forgot it. I forgot a few things. But that...
Andrew read it, something about enjoying my poetry and wanting to see if there was anything new. He called me in to talk about it. We talked for about an hour. God I can't tell you, how much, it feels so good to see someone face to face and to hear that they care. It's one thing to have people on the internet, the wonderful guestbook signings, and emails I've recieved, but it's another to have some one tangable, someone who's sholder is actully there to cry on.
I know that so many people would be happy to care, Trevor definatly would be. I just can't ever give them the chance. I need to pretend to be strong.
I guess I'm not really being fair to myself either. Not letting myself lean on anybody.
Do you think I could ever truely believe that someone could care for me? Do you think I could ever truely care for myself.
The think is I totally know I'm capable of happiness. I've felt it, I know it exists. The thing that is slowing me down now is how much I don't like myself. I want to find some good in me. I want to find something worthwhile. Maybe I should take a page from Stewart Smalley and start doing daily afermations, or some shit like that.
Andrew told me I need to admit that I need help.
I need help, I can't do it alone, I can't make it by myself. I need help, I need to trust in other people, and I need to know that I can open up and they won't hate me for it.
And I need to stop imagining myself taking one of the tools from my wood carving kit and jamming it into my arm.
Yah, that would be a good start.

3:15 a.m. - 01-26-03
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