damik's Diaryland Diary

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A blink of the eye later

I wasn't going to add an entry, but I'm here now, and its been so long between updates. Lots of things have gone on in my life. Will and I decided on a hard date, we are going to get married on April 16, 2006. 2005 just seemed too close. It doesn't really seem so close when I want to get all excited in planning my wedding, but it does because Will and I are the ones paying for the wedding. I wouldn't have enough to pay for the things I want to plan for. So 2006 it is. I have to be sensible about things.
Things have been going so well for me. Then again they haven't. On the thirty-first of August I found out I was pregnant. There were many tears and this wasn't supposed to happens. And quite a few for god sakes we were using condoms. I checked out my options and loathed Utah because of the lack there of. Then miscarried the following Saturday.
I am sure I will be labled as evil for posting the notion, but I've gone through the abortion prosses and I've gone through the miscarrage prosses. Physically an abortion is hard. Abortions are expensive. Emotionally they seem, at least to me, equal. Mentally though I prefered the abortion. I dreaded the prosses but the control had been taken from me with the miscarage. As a control freak I would better at ease with an abortion. That doesn't even sound good. I'm glad I didn't have to go through that, I'm glad I didn't have to expend the extra money, but I hate that I had no control over it. I should stop this train of thought before anyone who reads this decides to reallly hate me.
My doc told me to get back on my Welbutrin. It seems he doesn't feel comfortable with me being unmedicated during the dark season. My plan was to chronicle how I was doing so that at the end of his nine month trial I would be able to get back to him with an accurate picture of how I've been doing. I need to get started on my daily tracker again, too. I've just been uninspired to do so. Maybe journaling today will be a good start. Lets all hold our breath and see.
The problem I've had lately is that I have been totally worn out as of late, reminicant of when I started to get sick. Or what ever you chose to call the EBV bullshit I went through. I come home from work and I just want to sleep for hours. I force myself to stay awake and come bedtime I can't really fall asleep. I'm wide awake and ready to go. No, thats not right, my body is still worn out, but my mind is still going at 60000 rpm. My reflexes were off at the middle of the week, though they seem to be better now. I still find myself staring off at nothing from time to time though.
Oh, oh, I haven't mentioned this to anybody, sort of a dilebrate sweeping it into the closet I suppose. Some time in August before I got back on my meds, before the whole pg thing, I lost some time. Not much, mind, but enough to freak me out. I was driving up to Will's work after I did the van route after my work. I was in the far right lane and had thought to myself about needing to be in the far left lane. A blink of the eye later I was two lights further down the road in the correct lane with no idea how I got there. Freaky.
I should wrap this up before I go on to long.
Happy note, I'm going to see Oliver! tomorrow with Will. Yah!

7:42 p.m. - 09-18-04
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