damik's Diaryland Diary

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The storm

Lightening crashes across the sky, the thunder rolled. Storm clouds gathered at an awesome pace. The cool drops of rain were a welcome relief from the ninety-degree weather. I turned my face up to the heavens and caught the drops on my eye lids.
Thunder doesn't frighten me. It�s loud and intense, but I know there is no way it could ever hurt me. I just close my eyes and let it roll through me. Angry voices on the other hand make my blood run cold. One of the things I hated about being with Trevor was hearing the anger in my voice. It scared me enough to hear it from him, but when it comes from me I know I can't control it. If I could, it wouldn't already be there.
My father never raised a hand to hit me, he never would, but when he talked about my mother in his tired, frustrate voice I would freeze inside. In my mind I would see my stepfather's face contorted with anger, advancing on me. Or my mother screaming at me for another childish mistake.
I know Will would never hurt me, that he is incapable of such an action. No anger he has demonstrated to date was even remotely directed at me. Even so as he vented his anger in my mind I saw Trevor inches from my face screaming at me. Angry because of something entirely out of my control. Tearing me apart because he couldn't get the computer to work after he took it apart, screaming because the cable was out or the central air no longer worked. Taking it out on me because he didn't wake up on time for work.
I can tell myself that Will's not Trevor, My dad's not my step-father, that not everyone's going to hurt me intentionally or not. But I still feel the need to run. To hide in the closet untill the emotion passes.
Today life didn't treat Will well. And he responded. I wanted to hide. I wanted to get away from the anger and frustration that was causing such strong fear in me. Unfounded as the fear maybe.
But I'll always be a terrified child if I run any opportunity I'm given to be strong. I will always be a coward. So I stayed to offer support and counsel to him. As unsupportive and useless I may have been. And I will always make myself stay, untill the day comes that I won't have to make myself stay or in the unlikely event he gives me reason to run.

5:31 p.m. - 05-24-03
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