damik's Diaryland Diary

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Try and Justify it in the End

Ok, here's the creepy thing, mind you I would never admit this to anyone, and it's just a passing fancy, believe me it will go away by tomorrow. (Work you know) But, from time to time, I find myself actully wanting to have a child. I know, oh my God! What's this? A confirmed DINK wanting a child beforing even reaching full DINK-hood? This just cannot be. I don't even have my wave runners yet. I am still much to young, and I want to finish/start/consider more seriously college before attempting any sort of real life. But, I wonder if maybe I will come to the point in my life where kitties (sorry purrs) are just not enough for me.
I have many ways to rationalize not having kids, though it's not something that must be rationalized any more the I should have to explain why Trevor and I aren't married yet. It just seems like this day and age, and my family and co-workers, I need to have a reason for everything, and maybe I need a reason for my self. I've always thought bringing up a child now is kind of selfish. It seems kind of terrible to say and I'm sure it would raise a few heckles from mothers all over. But thinking about it, we have a serious over-population problem. Each day I see them distroying more wetlands to put up apartment complexes. Or, shudder to thought, strip-malls. If we didn't keep repopulating, we wouldn't need to continue to build. The earth can't sustain at the rate we are going. I would keep going on from here, but I start getting all millatant. While that's part of the reason, mostly it's what I tell other people, I'm really not ready, and I really want to be a DINK. I want what that lifestyle affords. I want the nice car, the nice house, the nice toys, and the freedome that comes with being childless. And even more then that is the reasons I don't tell anyone. That I'm afraid, that I don't think I would be a good mother. That I'm afraid I would become depressed and mean. That I would damage her. I can't live for myself, how could I live for some one else.
And so I try justifing it, that which doesn't really need justifing. Maybe to remind me when I go down the baby isle wondering what I should get my new little sister for Christmas. When I see all the wonderful new toys they have for bringing up a perfect, smart, happy baby. I just have to remember that nothing in my life can be that good. I can't keep a houseplant or a hampster, and it's for a cause.
And if that doesn't work, fifteen wound up four-year-olds tomorrow will.

11:29 p.m. - 10-06-02
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