damik's Diaryland Diary

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Won't you come out and play with me?

I'm not sure what it is. The hamster died today. I find a hamster I don't even want but we keep it, and it dies. I don't even remember what we named that one but I felt bad I couldn't make him better. So Trevor replaced for me. He was so sweet, and he bought me a black and white one that looked like a little panda. He was so brave for a hamster, and we named him Kamikaze. He was just fine for the first five days. It was funny how meticulous he was, he would separate his food the big pieces and little pieces. But we noticed that he was getting lethargic and wasn't eating. I tried to find him something that he would eat. I knew this morning he wasn't feeling well, and he wasn't getting better. I was going to take him to the vet, the first appointment I could get after work was for 3:30. He was still OK when I got home, he actually seemed like he was feeling better. Ten after three I saw that he had climbed up the tower in his cage, he was breathing heavy, but was otherwise fine. Five minutes later when we were getting ready to leave for the vet he was dead. I felt so bad. If we hadn't gotten him, he would still be alive today. I went to the pet store where we had gotten him. I saw his little babies and his mate. Not sure really why I went, but the babies are such troupers. One of them was climbing a tower that was much to big for him; he got halfway up and fell back down. It was the cutest thing. The guy at the store thought I was silly for even thinking of taking it to the vet. He couldn't understand why I would take a $6.00 hamster to a $35 apt. And maybe it does sound silly, but I didn't want to be the reason he died. I didn't want it to be because of me.
It's like the damn plant, I bought a catnip plant for the cats, and the next day it's dying. I'm starting to think I shouldn't be in charge of any more living things. Maybe I should find a new home for the cats. I don't think it would have gotten to me so badly, if I hadn't been so depressed lately. I don't know. I love the rain, but I feel like I'm just getting sucked down. Like some sort of vacuum.
I usually love the rain. I should be out there enjoying the weather. But I just don't feel like it, I don't feel like doing anything. There was a perfect rainbow yesterday. It was bright enough to see both of them. I love that about rainbows, you know there are always two, even if you don't see the other one, it's like faith, you have to believe its there. It was so beautiful I wanted to cry. It was so beautiful it hurt. I wish I could ever know such beauty. I wanted to follow it untill it disappeared. I love rainbows, when people say nothing's perfect, I want to point out rainbows. Everything actually has to be just perfect to even see the rainbow. Everything has to line up just right.
I have no energy. Did I already say that? I've actually been taking naps. I never do that. I thought maybe I was getting sick, but it doesn't seem like it, it's just I'm getting tired all the time

8:14 p.m. - 10-01-02
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