damik's Diaryland Diary

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Are drugs the answer?

I've been thinking lately of going on drugs. The idea terrifies me, but so does the idea of me actually killing myself.
I used to set limits for myself:

  • When I can't stop thinking of death, and how much better it would be I'll go get help.
Lately it's been a nagging desire I can't completely extinguish.
  • When I start actually searching for a way out, I'll go get help.
The Hemlock Society and the Church of Euthanasia recommend the helium method, though I think I already mentioned that.
  • O.K., but if I actually start looking in to where I can get the supplies and how much it would cost, then I'll get help.
It would cost me less then $150 and I could rent one no problem from Party America...
  • When I start researching potential side effects incase I fail....
The one criterion I haven't met yet... But what am I to do? Should I wait untill I call Ask A Nurse and made up a lie about doing a project about the dangers of huffing for a school project? Should I wait untill I've set enough money aside to by the supplies? 'Til I've actually rented the tank? The problem of drawing a line in the sand, is occasionally it gets hazy, and you don't notice when you've crossed it.
So I've considered getting on medication. There's a pharmacopoeia out there of potential uppers for me.
My mother started giving me her Paxil when I was fifteen/sixteen I lost myself even more then. It destroyed all the feelings I had, good or bad. I wasn't living my life, I was truly going through the motions. Under water. I don't want to lose myself that way again. Which is why I've resisted thus far. I�m afraid it would do more harm then good. I�m afraid I wouldn't know myself anymore.
But do I have more to lose? I'm searching for answers. But I don't know if I'll find them.

7:18 p.m. - 05-05-02
1 comments

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