damik's Diaryland Diary

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A Cry From the Lonely

When will I learn to feel that life's worth living? I can't spend another night, crying, praying to God to just end my life. I can't continue feeling so alone and isolated. I wish I had real friends. People to care about me. Some one to actually get to know me, and like me anyway. If I didn't smile, if I didn't make jokes, if I didn't live my life with the appearance that I was alright the psudo-friends I have now wouldn't like me anymore. And I know that I'll get a few messages saying that I'm not alone, that they care, and what have you... While I really appreciate hearing it, I'm afraid, I know that if my readers really knew me, it's easy to say you care about some one when you don't have to put forth the effort of actually caring. You're never going to meet me, but I can tell you that I'm not worth it. I wish I could wrap myself in nothingness. I wish I could forget about work and responsibility, just curl up in my darkened closet and let the world pass me by. I hate the pretence. I hate going through the motions. Why can't it be over? I'm already alone; can't I quietly exit stage left, unnoticed? Can't I wrap myself in darkness? It's not really my smile, I've been pretending for so long, I don't know who I am now. It's not really me. I just want to be held, just held, and to feel for a brief shining moment in time that I matter. The world smiles and goes on, I shouldn't be here, I�m not worth it. It would be better without me.

9:51 p.m. - 04-18-02
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